I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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