Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
