I wish my penis had an off switch
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize