I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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