Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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