I skipped work to stalk him.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
