I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
