of course. lets lasso hookers.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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