Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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