I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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