People with herpes should wear stickers.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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