mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
