Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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