man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
