I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize