My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
