They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
a search helicopter?!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
