hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
