Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
try to milk me bitch
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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