peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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