Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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