stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize