oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I look better un-naked...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
