In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
