2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize