I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
