Betty ford says i'm here all night
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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