so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
