glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
