Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
