Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize