Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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