I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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