Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
