This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
