You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
