he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
