Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
