if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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