how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
