Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
