just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
