The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
