just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Idk if I want to put a bra on
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
