I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He has the fingertips of a God
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize