I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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