Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
