So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
