When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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