I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize