So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize