Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
