Someone shit on the floor
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
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