why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm bleeding and have questions
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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