My sheets look like a crime scene.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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