Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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