remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
