She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
