Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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