i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
