I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
