She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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